Does anyone smell fish vomit??

Sometimes I feel so unworthy because of the things I have done in my past. I hate who I was and I have a hard time forgiving myself for the choices I made. I was in a "dry" season and I knew right from wrong..but I chose wrong. I felt ugly and unworthy of God's love. I knew that God was a forgiving God and I could turn around and repent and become a new person again. But I just couldn't! I wouldn't let myself. I chose to stay ugly as punishment to myself. You see, even though God could forgive me, I just couldn't forgive myself. I found myself slipping further and further into sin and the unknown until I literally didn't recognize who I saw in the mirror. All because I let my guard down, everything else came crashing down too.I can write this today, as a child of God..because I know that even in my darkest times, when I turned my back on God, He never turned his back on me. I forget sometimes that there is nothing that I can do to deserve my salvation. I am saved by GRACE. I feel the need to prove myself and to keep trying to swim against the current..to no avail. It isn't necessary! When will I ever learn?? These are truths that I know deep down in my heart, I just choose to bypass them sometimes. Jesus made the sacrifice for me...my sins are washed away because I believe. There is nothing I can do to earn my salvation. To say so or to try to do so mocks the great sacrifice that was made for me. What amazes me now is that I realize that even in my darkest times when I was walking the opposite direction, fleeing to Tarshish..God had already prepared the fish and was directing it to where He wanted me to be. Just like Jonah. God called Jonah to go to Ninevah and he did the complete opposite...instead of going East..he went West! I can sit here and think "How can Jonah do that?? I mean God specifically called him to go..how can he say no??" But I do that in my own life too! Even though Jonah was in complete rebellion, God "Prepared" a fish to swallow Jonah after he was tossed into the sea. Jonah stayed in the belly of the fish for three days and then was vomited onto land...where he should have gone in the first place! If only Jonah had just listened the first time, then he wouldn't be standing there in fish vomit, skin bleached white by gastric juices, and stinky! God used Jonah to bring about the greatest revival in history! 600,000 souls were saved in Ninevah! But the thing that strikes me as truly amazing is that even though Jonah was in rebellion, God still was in control and was setting into motion the course that Jonah would take to fulfill His will. He has done that with me too. I may have done things in the past that I am certainly not proud of, but I know that God has molded me through these circumstances. This is where I ams supposed to be. I may stand here, with fish vomit all over me, but here I am! God can use even the stinkiest of rebels. I know that I am finally in the place where I am listening to God..and I am not ignoring him. I am just in complete awe that God loves me enough to put up with me...but he never gave up on me and here I am.

I stand here, clean, with a fresh start and all I have to do is listen. I have such a desire to know God. I want to feel his breath in everything I do. He has blessed me beyond measure even though I don't deserve it. Amazing Grace is such a sweet song to my ears now. A song I have heard over and over now really MEANS something to me. My goal now is to show Jesus' spirit in my life through everything I do. I want people to look at me and be around me and realize who I am living for and want to live for Jesus too. I want to be able to quote scripture at a moments notice. I want to be able to pull it from my heart and apply it to situations. I just have such a longing to know God more.

As a side note, I have to add this too..since these are my true feelings. I am still scared of death and of losing loved ones. I mean terrified of it. I want Jesus to comfort me in this. I want to be assured that when I close my eyes to take my last breath, that Jesus will be standing there holding out his hand waiting for me so that I won't be scared to journey over to the other side. It is just such a realm of the unknown and as a human I just want to KNOW. But I am praying about this daily and I am hoping that God can give me peace and courage and his hand if I need it. I am also scared as a mother that something will happen to my child. I know that she is in God's hands if something were to happen to her... but the selfish, human part of me wants to keep her here with me always. I just need the comfort that God can give. I cannot imagine how a mother of a sick child feels. Mine is perfectly healthy and yet here is a numbing fear that just will not leave my mind. I know it is the devil trying to get his foothold..but I just can't seem to kick him out of my mind. I know that God is in control and I need to let my spirit be at ease in knowing this. He WILL be there waiting to cross over with me. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

Anyway, thanks Pastor Jason--I didn't sleep through your sermon. :)